I Want More. So Why Am I Still Here?

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I’m sitting at work right now, and this thought kind of hit me out of nowhere.

I actually love my job. It’s chill, I like being here, and on most days my actual work duties probably take up about an hour of the four I’m here.

Which brings me to today’s little crisis:

This job is comfortable.

But it’s not enough to actually get by.

I’m exposing myself a little here, but I’ve relied on government assistance in one form or another for a pretty decent chunk of the last decade. Which sounds absolutely insane when I actually say it like that.

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Time really does just sneak past you.

A couple weeks ago I was scrolling through Facebook Memories and found an old post where I was complaining about some government-related bullshit I was dealing with.

It was eight years old.

EIGHT.

I was gagged. And unfortunately not in the fun way.

Around the same time, someone really close to me started a new job after juggling two different ones. She got her first paycheck and it was significantly more than she had been making between both jobs combined.

Naturally, this sent me spiralling into:

What the fuck am I doing with my life?

I have a graveyard of hobbies, a bunch of unedited vlogs sitting on the $100 hard drive I specifically bought for vlogs, and roughly $400 worth of camera equipment I bought earlier this year and have used maybe twice.

Totally worth the investment.

The thing is, I’m stubborn.

Even when I abandon something for a while, there’s a very high chance I eventually circle back to it. Content creation especially.

I’ve wanted to make things on the internet since I was a teenager. YouTube, blogging, vlogging, whatever form it takes. I know it isn’t exactly the most stable career path, but I also refuse to act like I’m too old to try because I’m 33.

Please.

I’ve also tried college three times.

Three swings.

Three misses.

Maybe I just haven’t found my thing yet.

But sometimes I wonder what exactly we’re all supposed to be working toward anyway. Retirement feels increasingly fictional and buying a house seems to move further out of reach every year.

Maybe that’s my inner cynic talking.

Somewhere along the way, though, I definitely got comfortable.

Not necessarily happy with where I was, but comfortable enough that changing it became harder than staying there.

And I think that’s how you get stuck.

It’s rarely some huge dramatic decision.

It’s skipping the shower.

Ignoring the vlog footage.

Putting something off until tomorrow.

Then doing it again.

And again.

Until suddenly six months have passed and you’re wondering where the hell they went.

I recently finished Atomic Habits by James Clear, and one thing that really stuck with me was the idea that motivation isn’t this endless resource we’re supposed to magically summon whenever we want to change our lives.

Which is rude, because I personally would love to wait around until I suddenly feel inspired to fix everything at once.

Apparently that’s not how it works.

It’s the tiny shit.

Opening the editing software.

Writing something.

Taking the shower.

Saving ten bucks.

Doing literally anything instead of waiting until you feel perfectly ready to do everything.

I still don’t know exactly where I’m going.

I have too many ideas, questionable follow-through, unedited vlogs on a hard drive and absolutely no five-year plan.

But maybe that’s okay.

Maybe I’m not lost.

Maybe I just stopped pretending I knew exactly where I was supposed to be going.

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I don’t think I’m lost. I think I just stopped pretending I knew where I was going.

Talk soon, Kass ☕🌿